you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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