This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
