you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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