My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
