oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
