Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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