FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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