College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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