i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize