its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
