she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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