I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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