I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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