Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
