I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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