it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
