Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I seem to have left my pride at pride
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
