I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
