3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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