yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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