you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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