When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
