I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
