Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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