i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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