I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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