I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize