She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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