i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time Iām going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
