I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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