Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize