I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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