I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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