Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
