You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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