Already got asked if we're dating
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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