You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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