My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
