i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
