Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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