i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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