apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize