made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
