i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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