If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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