Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
