so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was like eating out sand paper
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you never un-have a 4some
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
