is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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