I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
