using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
