Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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