recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
