I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
