His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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