I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
