y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Randomize
