I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
