Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
