Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
