this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
