U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
