Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
